Relationship Rescue
by NurseKelly
Summary: Beach Head and Cover Girl win a "Disasterously Dysfunctional" couples radio contest and are sent to a Relationship Retreat under orders from Hawk. What could possibly go wrong here?
1. Chapter 1

**Relationship Rescue**

AN: Special thanks to all of my pals who helped with getting this story off the ground. You know who you are...

Disclaimer: G.I. Joe does not belong to me, although I really wish it did!

Chapter 1

**Chapter 1**

The Public Address System happened to be working on this rainy afternoon and the whole base was gathered in the Joe mess hall, listening to a special broadcast. If things went according to plan, this was going to be more entertaining than the season finale of Dynasty.

"You're listening to KACL 980 AM Santa Fe's Number 1 Talk Radio Station. Thanks for tuning in. I'm Dr. Dan the Dating Man and this is 'Love Lessons,' the relationship show."

The Dr. Dan was a Tuesday chow time staple in the Pit—his shows were the stuff of legend, closely resembling train wrecks. His guests, frequently transsexual truckers and bisexual belly dancers, were never boring. Last week's show on the psychic porn star Siamese twins who were dating the nudist minister was still a hot topic. Even General Clayton "Hawk" Abernathy was a regular listener, albeit on the sly.

"Today we're announcing the winners—if you can call them that—of our Disastrously Dysfunctional Duo contest. We were looking for the MOST messed up couple in the listening area and believe me, we're found them!"

"Our winning letter was written by Lance and Hector, who we happen to have on the phone. So what's your story guys?"

Hector "Shipwreck" Delgado almost bit his DeNobili cigar in half. Luckily, Lance "Clutch" Steinberg was able to correct the woefully misinformed DJ. "Our story? Nononononono! Hold on pal, we're straight. You've got it all wrong. We wrote that letter for our good buddy, Wayne and his lady love, Courtney." Shipwreck and Clutch were huddled around the phone in an office just outside the mess. They were using the speakerphone function, so they both could "contribute" to the conversation.

Dr. Dan didn't skip a beat. "Well, you guys are real pals, I can tell. What makes Wayne and Courtney 'Disastrously Dysfunctional'?"

Shipwreck took the lead. "Jeez, Doc, where to begin? In a nutshell, all they do is fight. He says black, she says white. They can barely agree on what planet we live on! He's a hard ass—works us all like dogs—and she's the only one here who has the guts to stand up to him. It's like she _enjoys_ riling him up."

"Wait a minute, they **WORK** together?" the DJ sputtered. "That's a recipe for disaster if I ever heard one."

"And he doesn't know anything about women," Clutch added. "Believe me, I've tried to help the guy and he's hopeless." Clutch liked to think of himself as quite the ladies' man and he couldn't understand how a _Sasquatch_ like Beach Head could land a babe like Cover Girl. "He actually gave her a _cactus_ for Valentine's Day this year because he said it was 'prickly like her' and then he couldn't understand why she clocked him!" he added, incredulously.

At that moment, Wayne "Beach Head" Sneeden and Courtney "Cover Girl" Krieger could be heard stomping towards the mess hall in the midst of yet another argument over her performance that morning in PT. "Good gravy woman, will you just quit snarkin' at me and listen? You were slower than molasses in January out there today!" A deep, male voice bellowed from the hall.

A shrill female voice came next "Well, if you'd stop riding me like General MacArthur on crystal meth and listen for a change, you'd understand!" She was in full weapons grade bitch mode.

"Wait-they're going at it now!" Clutch crowed into the speakerphone, as he moved the phone closer to the doorway. "Just listen!" he whispered.

Wayne continued his diatribe, "Stop ridin' you? Blazes, I've gotta get even tougher in you, if today is any indication of what happens when I go easy on you! I let you out of PT for a week straight and it showed in your times. Court, you can be thinkin' you can skate by on PT just because we're seeing each other!"

"You let me out… You didn't 'let me out' of ANYTHING!" she shrieked. "Damnit, I had PNEUMONIA and was hooked up to an IV antibiotic for that week, you knock-kneed, slack-jawed, knuckle-dragging troglodyte!"

"If you took better care of yourself, you wouldn't have gotten sick in the first place! You don't eat enough, you work too hard," he yelled.

"WHAT?" she shrieked "It's MY fault I got pneumonia? People get sick, you stupid hillbilly! We're not all six feet tall and bullet-proof like you!"

Dr. Dan, who had been silent up until that point, said "Good Lord, I've heard enough! Get them on the phone."

Clutch and Shipwreck were gleeful at this point. They stuck their heads out of the office door and sang "Wayne, Courtney, we have someone on the phone who wants to talk to you…"

Up until now, Wayne and Courtney had been oblivious to the fact that they had an audience. When they realized they had an audience, they weren't happy.

"What in the hell are you two pogues up to?" Wayne roared. Courtney shot them a death-glare, but said nothing.

At that point, Hawk emerged from his office where he had been listening to the broadcast. Words were unnecessary; his scathing glare said it all. He pointed at the confused couple, and then pointed to the phone in the hands of Clutch.

The irate couple stalked in to the office, fully intent on inflicting bodily harm on the sailor and the mechanic. "I've got Wayne and Courtney here, Dr. Dan!" Shipwreck said.

"Wayne, Courtney, this is Dr. Dan the Dating Man and you're on KACL 980 AM, Santa Fe's Number 1 Talk Radio Station. This is your lucky day, because your two good friends Hector and Lance have nominated you for our "Disastrously Dysfunctional Duo" contest and you've won! I must say that based on the letter your friends sent and the argument I just heard, you guys are a mess! We'd like to help you two sort out your issues and rediscover your romance by sending you to an all expenses paid trip to the island of Tahiti for a couples retreat at the luxurious Paradise Beach Club Resort. "

"Tahiti? Ohmygod, I don't know what to say—wow!" Courtney gushed. Meanwhile, Wayne's jaw clenched and he managed to grind out "No. Way. In…" before Hawk's booming voice filled the air. "They'll take it. Make the arrangements," he ordered, before turning on his heel and exiting the office. Courtney excitedly grabbed the handset and got to work on the logistics, while Wayne sat there in stunned silence.

Clutch and Shipwreck wisely took their leave as well; Wayne wouldn't be stunned for long. Tomorrow's PT session would be hellish, but it would be totally worth it. A week without Beach Head torturing them was almost too good to be true!

"Hey 'Wreck, think it's too late to call in about Flint and Lady Jaye? " Clutch pondered?


	2. Chapter 2: Packing

**Chapter 2: Packing**

As Wayne began to pack, it occurred to him that this would be the first time he had ever travelled to a tropical locale without accompanying instructions to kill someone. "This is NOT a good idea," he mumbled to himself.

Still, Courtney was so excited about the trip that he didn't have the heart to say no. She looked up at him with those big, beautiful baby blues and he turned in to one of those sissified pogues he despised. Then she expertly placed her hand on her hip and pouted, that lower lip doing sinful things to his libido. He was doomed and he knew it. "I bet she'll wear that bikini, the little pink one…" he thought.

A knock on the door interrupted his thoughts about Cover Girl in a bikini.

He opened the door to find his friend, Edwin "Lifeline" Steen pacing uncomfortably. Wayne sighed and opened the door. "Yeah? Come on in." he grumbled.

"So, I hear you're taking a little trip," Lifeline said. He considered Beachhead a friend, despite the Army Ranger's gruff exterior. This trip was a gift from God and he had to make sure that Wayne understood that.

"Yeah. Looks that way," Wayne snarled, as he tossed another pair of khaki pants in his olive green duffel bag. He didn't have much by the way of civilian clothes. Something told him that he was going to stick out like a sore thumb at this island resort, regardless of what he packed. Yup, he was doomed.

"This is a great opportunity, Beach." Edwin offered. "It's a chance for you and Courtney to get some expert advice," he added, to which Beached simply grunted. Lifeline could tell that this was going to be an uphill battle.

Wayne knew his friend was right, but he hated to admit it. As the Sergeant Major pulled a pair of swimming trunks out of his drawer¸ there was another knock on his door.

This time, it was two guests at Wayne's door: their commanding officer, Lieutenant General Clayton "Hawk" Abernathy and the resident shrink, Kenneth "Psych-Out" Rich. Momentarily startled, Wayne simply opened the door and motioned them inside.

"Well, he's packing," Psych-out observed. "It looks like I owe you twenty bucks." From the shrink's reaction, the shocked expression of Beachhead's face was worth losing twenty bucks to Hawk.

Hawk accepted the twenty from Psych-out. "Yeah, Beach, I know you and Cover Girl are together—not much happens around here that I don't know about," he added. "I'm sorry that I had to make it an order, son, but you need to do this," Hawk said. "If you two don't end up killing each other, I'm going to end up court marshalling one or both of you."

Wayne was still reeling from the fact that his commanding officer had placed a wager on him. "An order is an order, sir," he said.

"I've taken you two as far as I can, Beach," Psych-out added. "I'm not a trained relationship counselor; this isn't my field of expertise."

"Doc, you've done the best you could with what you had to work with, but it doesn't matter," Beach said, the resignation evident in his voice. "Look, I'm just as shocked as you all are that Courtney is still with me. This trip is just going to finish us off."

Courtney danced around the suite she shared with Shana "Scarlett" O'Hara and Alison "Lady Jaye" Hart-Burnett, her excitement about the vacation barely contained. Packing her duffel was a group effort as her roommates generously shared articles of clothing with her. Sun, sand, massages and gourmet food awaited her. She couldn't believe that Wayne was going along with it! They were going to have an amazing time once they got there, she was sure of it

"We are going to have such an awesome time! We're gonna relax and sleep 'till noon. There's three gourmet restaurants and a dance club too! We'll drink Pina Coladas by the pool and …" Courtney got his dreamy far-away look on her face as she thought about Wayne bare chested in his swim trunks, making love underneath a waterfall.

Alison, ever the voice of reason, broached the topic of the counseling first. "Court, I think that the counseling sessions will be great for you and Wayne," she said, as she handed Courtney a Hermes scarf.

Courtney stopped mid-shimmy. "Counseling? Are you nuts? We're great, we don't need a counselor. There is NO way Beach and I are talking to any counselor! Remember, this is Beachhead we're talking about." Courtney shook her head and snorted derisively.

Shana's legal training kicked in "Courtney, did you even read the contract before you signed it? You HAVE to take part in the counseling sessions and, I agree with Allie. I think it will be a good thing for you guys." She handed the contract to Courtney, with her index finger pointing to the section of the contract that addressed the counseling.

"That's ridiculous," Courtney said, shakily. "They can't make us talk about our…feelings. Can they?" Suddenly this trip didn't seem like such a great idea after all.

"Um, the radio station is paying for you to go honey and you signed the contract. They can make you do whatever they want. Plus, Hawk ordered you and Beach to go, so you're stuck," Allie said.

Courtney visibly paled. "What are you afraid of," Allie probed. "I thought you guys were great?"

"Ohmygod, I can't do this," Courtney said, in one breath. "This has disaster written all over it. Any counselor will tell Wayne to get as far away as possible from a mess like me." Tears threatened to spill from her eyes as Courtney finally realized the full horror of the situation

Wayne Sneedon was not a man to accept defeat easily, but he had given this particular battle plan considerable thought and he saw no way of winning. He was better off alone.

"We all know she's way outta my league. I'm damn lucky to have had her for this long." Wayne said, dejectedly. "I'll go, so at least she can get a nice vacation out of it."

The silence was deafening, the three visitors not knowing exactly what to say because it was so out of character for the Sergeant Major to just give up. Finally, the soft-spoken medic spoke up.

"You know, you're absolutely right. Courtney can do much better than you, no offense," Lifeline said. "Don't know what you two ever talked about anyway. Can you even talk to someone like her? She's really not all that bright. Maybe I'll ask Courtney out when you get back. She's got a nice-"

Edwin Steen never got to finish the sentence, because Beach instantly had the medic pinned to the wall. "Don't you EVER talk about Courtney like that! She's the best thing that ever happened to me! She's smart and funny and …" Beach stopped mid sentence as he realized what his friend was doing. He immediately released the grinning medic.

"Yeah, I thought so," Lifeline said, as he pulled his uniform back into place.

"You obviously want to be with her, so don't give up," Psych-Out added. "Fight FOR her, not WITH her. I know it's going to be hard, but she's worth it."

Hawk rose from his seat and clapped Beachhead on the shoulder. "Look son, the frat regs be damned—if you have a chance to be happy, you should grab it and never let it go." The old general sounded wistful for a moment. "Well, gentlemen, I think we should leave Sergeant Major Sneedon to his packing."

-TBC-


End file.
